


Fall Apart

by SaraJaye



Category: The Conners (TV 2018)
Genre: Gen, Grief/Mourning, Heavy Angst, Hurt No Comfort, Memories, References to Addiction, References to Drugs, Self-Blame
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-23
Updated: 2019-01-23
Packaged: 2019-10-15 06:21:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 640
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17523518
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SaraJaye/pseuds/SaraJaye
Summary: He doesn't know how much more he can take.





	Fall Apart

**Author's Note:**

> 002\. edge

If it weren't for the calendar or the TV schedule, he wouldn't realize time had passed at all since the moment he woke up and found her lifeless body in bed beside him. But life's all too happy to remind him it goes on, with all the bills and kids' school stuff and doctor's appointments and other crap piling up on them.

He saw Jerry back to the airport two days after the funeral. The kid seemed glad to be with his brother and sisters again, but he couldn't wait to get back to his boat, and Dan doesn't blame him.

(It's sad, really. Roseanne's been blowing up his phone, begging him to come home and visit, and when he finally does she's not even there to see him. Is this the definition of irony? Note to self, ask Darlene later.)

Everyone's trying so hard to move on. Darlene's back into her writing, Becky's finally stopped crying, the grandkids are trying to catch up on their schoolwork, and Jackie's doing all she can to fill Roseanne's shoes. Bev, too, for once Dan's actually glad she's around. Barely. If nothing else, her being her usual pain in the ass self is a distraction.

But distractions only last so long.

He doesn't have Marcy Bellinger to blame anymore. Hell, he can't even blame the pills, it's not their fault Roseanne-

_No._

He's the one who should have stopped it. Recognizing she had a problem was only the first step, like AA meetings always say. The next step would've been getting her some help, sending her to a rehab program after her surgery. He and the rest of the family, they should've-

_But how do you know she would've gone with it? She could just pretend she was going and sneak off-_

Those places have cameras, right? Someone would've kept watch over her round the clock, their insurance would've paid for something like that. Wouldn't it?

_You couldn't even afford her medication. You could barely afford her surgery until they declared a state of emergency._

He knows what really happened, that even round-the-clock security and the family's strongest begging and pleading wouldn't have done a damn thing. But if he admits it to himself, he has to admit _there's nothing he could have done_ to stop the death of the woman he's loved since _high school_.

They had four children together. Three grandkids. Countless adventures, some without ever leaving Lanford. When he closes his eyes, he still sees Ginger if they never found the island, the girl whose thighs called out to him in those tight pants, the woman who stood by him through the failure of his bike shop, the truth about his mother's secret problem. When he broke down and cried, she was there to hug him and say they'd get through it together.

She pulled this family through so many hard times, and the one time she needed saving, he couldn't do _jack shit._

Dan balls his hand into a fist and slams it down on the dresser. Their wedding picture skitters towards the edge, only seconds away from falling off.

He can't bring himself to touch it.

She's gone. The love of his life, the glue that held the family together is _gone_ and it's only a matter of time before everything falls apart. Becky's drinking more than ever, Harris blames herself, Mark needs help only Roseanne could've given him, and Jackie _won't leave._

He can't take this. He's stuck in that horrible moment even as he watches the days pass, and if Roseanne were here right now she'd be telling him to knock off the crap and just get everything done, for Christ's sake.

_But none of us are you, Rose._

He nudges the photo back onto the dresser. He's close enough to the edge as it is.


End file.
